Chickens Pre-101

Ok, many of you know I have a 'fear' of things with feathers. I don't care if it is a teeny, tiny barn sparrow or a honking wild turkey...or one of those nasty looking buzzard vulture things - ick! - if it has feathers, I am not fond. Remember this incident?<

Anywho, hubby, on the other hand, wants chickens. I have come around to the idea that I am okay with this, because, afterall, wouldn't it be so nice to have fresh eggs from the backyard? I have been buying farm fresh eggs ever since my friend Dawn gave me a dozen from her flock. Seriously, the difference between a fresh one and one from the store is unreal. So, back to what I was saying...I am ok with hubby getting chickens, but I have stipulations - of course!

1.) They have to stay in their coop or their fenced area. I cannot have loose chickens taking run of the farm. If I allowed that, they might show up in the barn while I am cleaning stalls and corner me. That would not be cool. I won't even tell you what I would do (pee myself and scream for hubby to save me).

2.) Hubby cannot, I repeat cannot, rely on me to help with any kind of feeding or cleaning or gathering of the eggs. Nope. No siree. Sorry, I feel terrible saying that, but if I have to put myself in any position that allows these feather friends at me, nope, sorry, can't do it.

3.) Once he brings them home, they are home to stay. I understand after a few years, they really don't lay many, if any, eggs anymore, but I am sorry. After they have lived 'with us' for any period of time, and I maybe start calling one Belina, and another Henrietta, I cannot have them on my stove, in my freezer or on my dinner plate. Nope. Sorry. Can't do it.

4.) And so help me if he accidently gets a Rooster in the bunch - god help me now. I know sometimes you might get a nice Rooster, but I just read a story about a NASTY Rooster on another blog and I about had a heart attack just reading it. (I wish I could remember the blog so I could link to it - they weren't even safe from their Rooster with a pitchfork! AGH!)

5.) And no chickens with those frilly foo-foo feathered fopa's going on at the top of their head --- or around their ankles. I can't explain it, but they freak me out even more! See Exhibt A for an example.

Exhibt A

So, with all this being said (and there is more, but these are the main stipulations), I do really want to like chickens. I want to like having them on our farm, really I do - but I am terrified. And yes, I realize how crazy that sounds!! I know not to set my goals too high -- I will never swoop down and pick one up....nor will I ever be doing this.

But I DO want to be able to be around them without sweating and shaking :) And I don't want my child to have this fear like me! So, it is probably best that any feathered encounters he has are with his father. Not like how it went down with my poor niece ;) So, when we go to the county fair, I will always have to go to the bathroom and get a lemonade refill when it is time to walk through the poultry barn - just sayin'!

Sooooo, anyways, the whole point of this post to begin with was to ask you, my readers who have or have had or have experience with egg laying chickens -- which breed(s) might you recommend we get -- you know, for someone chicken shit like me :) I don't want no nasty "I'm gonna poke your eyes out with my nails and beak" looking chicken like this. She's scary! She can have her eggs! I don't need them that bad!!